I enjoy reading books that talk about something I am experiencing. They help me find words to understand my experience and often point me to insights I have not yet gained. Reading bell hooks' Communion: the female search for love, 2002 has shaped my thinking about my relationship.
By hook's definition, E and I have a love relationship. E is one of the new men she describes who is in many ways freed from patriarchy. He is able to relate to me in mutual sharing ways. He is pleased, and surprised, when I don't bring power issues into the bedroom. He listens to my doubts about my commitment to him without getting reactive. He rejoices in my friendships with others. He told me early on that he didn't fit the typical male stereotype mold. I didn't believe him. I was wrong.
Because E is different, I have to be different from what I learned in patriarchy. It takes me a long time to trust that I can ask for what I want. He used to thank me for telling him things I assumed would be hard for him to hear. That helped to build my confidence. I discover that when he is not in patriarchal thinking, I have to find new ways to respond. I've grown from being afraid of being subordinated to him to enjoying him as a separate person. bell hooks describes these challenges women face when they enter into relationships with new men.
E. and I have been together for almost 9 years. I found him when I was searching for love. I had analyzed my previous romantic relationships -- what I thought I was getting and what I actually got. Then it was time to list what I wanted in a man. I had 17 qualities. E. had all but one.
The first time we got together alone, E "didn't touch my hair". His hand was so close to my head that it felt like the most gentle of touches. We talked a lot. He called me after he got home. "I didn't mean to cut you off when you started to talk about intimacy. I got scared. I want to learn how to be intimate, too."
That's when I knew this man was special. He initiated talk about how things were going between us. We were friends for almost six months before we changed our relationship. Since the beginning we have each grown and changed. Our connection is so strong that when one of us changes the other one is changing, too. We aren't necessarily sorting things out on the same issues, but the growth we share enriches our love.
We live in two different towns. We spend 3-4 days a week together and the other days apart. E has jobs in both places. In the past, I felt there was something wrong with us because we couldn't live in the same house. Now I feel grateful that we are both aware of what we need and confident in our love for each other. We have created what works very well for us. We enjoy the coming together and the separation. This arrangement does not fit into the arms of patriarchy. bell hooks has helped me see that my negative judgment of what we've created is a remnant of what I learned as a child. I want to leave that behind.
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